No reply is necessary

It took me a lot of thinking to decide whether to send this message or leave things the way they are, finally decided to start writing and c if the send button is going to be clicked or not.

 

It never crossed my mind the minute i decided to be  committed to this friendship, that i would have to make up my mind when i would come across two seperate ways to make a decision to leave or stay. Sometimes we never c the end of the road as we don’t want to believe that this road in particular has an end, regardless all the experience i had in this area, i keep believeing that this time it’s going to be different.

 

Facts to be acknowledged here:

1- I do appreciate your x-friendship in all its aspects and in its all levels, whether u were there or not, whether i felt ur support  or not.

 

2- I will never regret anything i’ve done, because if i did so, in this case am saying i did something wrong, and i don’t c ur x-friendship as something wrong , so i don’t regret it.

 

3- I will never start bragging about what i’ve done for ur sake because this is not the essence of friendship, and the minute some1 starts doing so, he loses all the credit and all the respect.

 

4- Every action has a reaction, and every message we send whether it’s direct or indirect has its influence and has its way of saying something, so if we r going to start judging others on their behaviour, we should as well analyze ours.

 

5- Out of respect, didn’t want 2 talk about anything till things get clearer, and that’s the usual from my side, if you would have known me the way u claimed u do, u would have understood that.

 

6- Before throwing accusations, start tracking what you have done

a- u bailed on me not once not twice, but trice ” and guess what u did last time, it was with some1 we barely knew and after i fought for u and refused to b involved in something without u ” .

b- acting like a real gentleman and a real friend during my birthday ” clear message , i don’t want to be involved in anything related to u”

c- asking for your stuff, and surprise surprise , i’ll take it from ur sister ” another clear message, i don’t want to c ur face again or deal with u as long as i live”.

 

***Do u think after all those actions and messages, stating clearly that you r out of this frienship, really u r shocked of my reaction!!!!

 

***U were putting ur own strategy of revenge and still didn’t want me to react, how clever and smart.

 

7- Never said something behind your back, when i find something i didn’t like or c it as a real flaw , i would say it right away, because i know u very well and i never say anything b4 it happens more than once.

 

8- Start looking for ur weakness points and acknowledge them, accept them or change them but don’t blame ppl when they r telling you the truth.

 

9- Stated like three times that the way u r treating me has changed, if after two years u r going to change the way of treatment , i have the right to refuse it, i won’t accept to be treated like other ppl which am not going to mention their names out of respect to them, but let me give u a piece of advice, video tape or record the way you talk to your friends and u will c that most of the time u r patronizing them and giving urself much credit and value, am not saying that u don’t deserve to be valued but am saying that there is a thin line between confidence and ….

 

So if what you were looking for is an apology, so let me tell you that am sorry because i questioned my judgment, am sorry because am honest, am sorry because i ignored my guts at some point and decided to continue with this friendship, am sorry i decided to give friendship other chances.

 

At last, if you think that i’ve said something wrong and wasn’t appropriate to be said ” am sorry” and that’s becuase ur x-right as x-friend

 

At the end, this chapter has ended with its good and bad. The value of a person is calculated by how he/she has changed our lives, and the impact  of having them around. Each one of us knows exactly his/her value, so no one can ever take  that away and if there is injustice Only Allah will reward  and compensate him/her for that.

 

P.S. This message is to clear some stuff because somewhere in between  someone was lost in translation and no reply is necessary.

You will miss me

You will Know that you were mistaken letting the only ONE good thing in ur life Go. You truly know that my affect on your life was the best you have experienced since along time ago, if it weren’t the best thing that ever happened to u.

I can’t find the proper way to describe you, but u didn’t turn out to be that different from those I knew b4 you and those who I told u their stories. With ur own words I bring the best in you, and this is a fact am sure of.

I wonder if your life would still have its taste or would it miss its seasoning and would turn out to be tasteless after all. I would forgive anything except for playing nice for two years then taking off the mask.

So long My Ex-Friend.

Two Faced

I don’t like being two faced person, by two faced I don’t mean being hypocrite, be good with certain people and behind their back you talk trash about them, No what i mean here is being obligated to put a smile on my face while my heart is aching, or while am exhausted and over stressed.

It feels like a burden that you need to fake a smile, let’s say that it’s faking the feeling that you don’t feel is the hardest.

Lately, I have been having lots going on and it doesn’t seem that i can handle all those stuff well, am this kind of person whose feelings appear on his/her face. When am depressed or sad I like to be left alone, not to talk to anyone nor open a conversation. Unfortunately, people in general don’t understand the concept of leaving you alone to grief, even my family keeps asking me what’s wrong and if you don’t tell them, they will make a quarrel with you, it’s annoying really that nobody will leave you alone. Just want to say it Loud, LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE.

Need time to think, to see things right, try to see my other choices, and most of all need some space where I am not obligated to do anything.

 

I need clarity. Need to catch my AHA moment. 

You and Me are not meant to be ??

Dear Friend,

Here I am writing the hardest letter ever. I thought about it a lot. I found myself giving advice to my friends and not following them myself.

You asked me to marry you, i was caught in the moment, finally my fairy tale is going to happen. I liked you since the first time I met you, back then when we were high school students, i remember i dreamed of marrying you and becoming your wife, I admit that u were my first crush, till now i don’t know if it is love or not cause i’ve never experienced this feeling and i can’t identify it.

We were apart for five years, knowing nothing about each other all this period but i have to admit that i was day dreaming of bumping into you in the streets, till it actually happened. You have found me, i remember how i felt when i read ur name in my inbox on facebook, and what i felt when i read ur message with a smile on my face the whole time, it can’t be described. I felt how much u care about me, I sensed that you have feelings for me but wasn’t sure. kept talking for almost a year, you waited for me to finish college and at that time i became sure that u love me. Finally you came to me and told me how much u admire me and that u want to marry me. Frankly, I knew that am the one a long time ago and i Knew what u came to say but i didn’t want to ruin the surprise for u.

Waited for you to come and meet my dad and the reason why i agreed on that cause i don’t know u as a husband, so i needed to c u with my family, with ur family, with other people. To tell you the truth I don’t even know you as a friend that well cause u were always discreet and vague. I know a little about you. As ur friend it’s not my right to judge u or push u to tell me ur secrets, but as ur wife i guess i need to study you, know if we fit together as a couple.

Time passes by and I’ve been waiting for you for a year and two months, all that time i knew nothing about you as we agreed not to talk. I didn’t want to do anything behind my family and the most important thing i didn’t want to do something wrong . Didn’t want to get involved in case that it didn’t work i don’t get hurt, But it hurts whether am involved or not.

Each day passes i feel that the space between us gets larger. Suddenly, You came and met my dad , to be honest I was still afraid, I didn’t feel safe, I said let’s c how it will go. After a short while, I met you and everything seemed perfect and I was so reliefed for the first time. I knew then that we could have something great. Waited for your dad to come to finally announce that You picked me, You chose me to be your wife, the one you would spend the rest of your life with. I was counting the days, the minutes, and the seconds. But the minutes became hours, and the days became months.

You came to me On Wednesday, the same day you told me you wanna marry me, you said that your dad saied he won’t come and you are on your own. It was a shock , I sensed that it’s going to happen, but didn’t want to believe it. I don’t understand the messages that allah sends to me . What’s going on? Is that it ? it didn’t even start to come to an end. Really so confused. That day changed everything, I used to feel secure at least to have you as my friend, never thought that losing you would make me so weak and so sad. My heart is aching, all what happened between us keep hunting me and flashing in front of my eyes. I am afraid of speaking to you, I can’t speak to you for the last time, can’t even imagine it. Don’t see you name on my mobile, don’t see your status on Facebook, building a concrete wall between you and me. Really that is too much to handle. We have been given another chance to help the history repeats itself. My sister broke up in Ramadan, and it looks like am going to face the same fate. I don’t know if that is for our good or what, but what I do know that it hurts so much and something has been broken inside of me.

Letter to God 1

Dear God,

I was inspired to write  this letter by the movie ” Letters to God “, there was this little boy who had cancer and used to write you a letter everyday, it was like praying to you, I thought why shouldn’t i  do that as well.

Sometimes life steers us in different directions, and we enter a dilemma of thoughts, actions, reactions, and depression.

In the middle of our life process we seek guidance, we feel that we are missing something.

Recently i’ve been through a lot, i was looking for someone wise to talk to, someone who won’t judge me and preferably someone who has lots and lots of life experience.

After seeing the movie  ” Letters to God “, I realized that all I need is talking to You.  You have created me, you r the only one who truly knows me and knwos what is really going on with me. You created the world also, so u r  the only one who knows how it works.

So, I decided to talk to You.

So hear I’m writing my first letter to God telling him that i finally realized how much i need him, how much i’ve been blessed because he was there for me all the time, guiding me and showing me the right path.

Parents are Irrational

I don’t understand how parents think sometimes, I wonder if this is normal or this is being over protective. Your parents sometimes force some certain rules that is not considerate for your friends.

Ex: ” I ‘ m out with my friend, i have a car and she doesn’t, it’s getting late, my mom insists on me being at home in 5 min. and she didn’t care about my friend”. If the situation was vice versa, would she be happy if my friend left me in the street alone ?

Really, I find this very irritating. Why do parents care only about their kids and when it comes to other person’s kids their mind stop working. Is this the parents nature or it’s a human nature ?

A question that will hunt me until I have my own kids….